Don’t worry. I’ve not turned into an influencer.

But ‘totes awks’ seems to sum it up best.

Since my last email, several people have shared incredibly awkward conversations they’ve had with a boss who tried to make a connection. And failed miserably.

Some of them made me snort my ginger tea through my nose! But I’ve also come to some realisations too.

Yes to leaders having quality conversations about the individual.
Yes to getting to know your people well.
Yes to helping people be their best.

But ‘Hell no’ to intrusive questions laden with assumptions.

So, if you want to develop great relationships with your team and help them grow here are some follow-up Dos and Don’ts to sidestep the minefield.

Dos

#1 Ask open questions – we all know a closed question stops a conversation in its tracks but we all fall into the trap of doing it.
Good: "How’s things? What have you been up to?"
Bad: "Are you doing ok? Did you have a good evening?"

#2 Listen up and follow up – it’s flippin’ obvious when someone has asked a question to be polite but has zero interest in the answer. The eyes glaze over. The smile turns fixed. The papers are shuffled impatiently waiting for when they can get down to the real business.

Don’t be that leader. And don’t let a lovely share of information from a team member fall on a deathly silence. Follow up with a genuine open question to get to know more.

#3 Focus on support not advice – if you want your team to grow, telling them what to do every time they come to you with a problem won’t get you there. I love this quote “Telling your team how to do it condemns them to only ever be as good as you are.” Use a coaching approach – by asking them what they think, who they’ve consulted with to solve it and what they want to do next.

Don’ts

#1 Make assumptions – so much of our unconscious language is biased to a heteronormative culture. Assuming things like marriage, heterosexual relationships, kids, drinking alcohol. Classic case in point from an overheard conversation at a client a few years ago…
Male leader: “I wish I’d known you were in town this week you could have bought your wife out with us for a few drinks.”
Male team member: “I don’t have a wife; I have a boyfriend and I don’t drink…” [Stony silence]

#2 Pry – there’s a big difference between showing an interest somebody’s life and asking why they do or don’t do something.
Good: “How was your evening? What did you get up to?” Because they’ll tell you what they want to tell you and edit out what they don’t.
Bad: “Why didn’t you join us for the team dinner last night?” They may have been sat on the sofa crying and eating cereal from the box because their beloved pet died.

#3 Think they want what you want – one of the best ways to support your team is help them fulfil their potential. For me personally it’s been one of the most rewarding parts of leadership. But you’ll fall at the first hurdle if you assume they want your job. Or progression at all for that matter. Great leadership is helping them to get where they want to be, even if you have other ideas for them.

Don’t end up being one of the stories I’ve heard recently. Don’t make a connection totes awks. You now know how to make it totes engaging instead.